Everyday I feel like and actor, hired to play the role of me. I start by getting out of bed and acting happy when I really feel my whole world is crashing down.
I act like making plans and holding plans is easy for me when in reality I hate planning for the days ahead because I can not expect how I will be feeling. Some days I feel like I don’t even want my tomorrow to come.
I smile and tell everyone I’m ok but as I’m laying here I realize I have melted into a nervous breakdown. My soul is blank and I feel lonely. I’m crying about anything and everything. I can’t let anyone into my real world because I’m afraid I will scare them away.
So I will get up today and fake the smiles and blink away the tears. I’ll have you all thinking I’m calm and collected because I guess I put on quite the show. Everyday is a new scene and I just keep hoping that if I act like I have it together one day I might actually not have to act as much.
Today I remind myself I am the director which overwhelms me. I can barely pick myself up off the floor today; how can I be trusted with this huge responsibility? This whole week I have failed. Everyday I let myself quietly sink deeper and deeper into this feeling. How could I do this to myself? But there is hope. If I keep going there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. So as the director I choose to see what today can bring me.