Survival of the Fittest

For me it’s not about worrying, it’s about remembering. Not just the event, but the intense feelings such as fear, helplessness and loss of control. It’s wanting to get in a car and drive away as far as possible to try to escape those feelings.

It’s about the tunnel vision and the loss of control within my body that I experience.

It’s not remembering simple everyday things like how to breathe.

It’s about saying I’m busy because I’m really busy. Not the way you think. I’m busy silencing irrational thoughts and flashbacks. I’m busy taking deep breaths and reminding myself these small triggers are exactly that…small!

It’s the lethargy and exhaustion that no amount of sleep or coffee can cure.

It’s about thinking I’m doing good and then one small trigger sends me spiralling down again.

So this…this is me reclaiming my voice and taking control of my vulnerability. This is me learning how to sew together the deep wounds. It’s a journey everyday and that is why I am not a PTSD victim but I am a PTSD survivor and I will choose everyday to be a survivor even on the days I am just waiting and hoping for a better tomorrow; because eventually it will be.

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